Hi, I guess this is my coming out post, reason for this is because I have hard time to stand up for myself so I hope want to be honest on here when I can't be irl.
I don't know where to begin but I kinda always was living in the background and kinda people pleasing, every decision I made in regards of my gender expression was to please how others want me to look, I was isolating myself and only form of socialization I was able to have is to make morbid jokes. Always found it hard to stand up for myself. While I do not remember my childhood, there are few instances that I remember certain stuff from it, and I feel like I always, for the lack of better term, subconsciously knew I was trans. Reasons for that belief is because I remember seeing few interviews of trans women on youtube, usually labeled as "woman labeled in male body" etc, and while I don't like that term and think is inaccurate I never saw it as literally being in different body I still subconsciously felt like "What if it was me?" but I never thought anything deeper. I remember few instances of me dreaming as living as a woman, or going through transition even if I didn't know much about trans people except that they exist.
Up until 2022 or 2023 I accepted myself as bisexual and in the beginning of 2025. Every time I try to assert myself and stand up for myself, express myself the way I want I feel like I am going to cry, I can't do that. I wish I could teleport myself and start a new life... Currently I am 21 years old.
I don't think my style will change much during and after transition, but I am trying to experiment with longer hair which I feel much more confident with it, but still have hard time to stand up for myself.
This is white I wrote before going to sleep when I was thinking about my past:
I think I always subconsciously knew I was trans woman. I did have experiences of trying feminine clothing articles when I was kid, which I do not necessarily see as proof of me being trans simply I see it as my exploration of different styles. I didn't have much opportunity to experiment with different clothes and styles. What make me think that I always subconsciously knew I was trans? Well, I would always isolate myself to spend time at home watching nickelodeon or something on YouTube and try to not draw too much attention on myself and was shy and more introverted kid but at home I do remember being drawn to specific videos about trans people like interviews of trans women and their experiences, I was drawn to these videos but was never able to actually see and accept myself as trans, I remember having dreams of me transitioning even if I didn't know much about transition. I remember finding video on YouTube that was titled something along the lines "top 10/top 5 women who used to be man" which regardless of title that I do not like, I was drawn to that video there was something about seeing these beautiful women and their experiences with life and I felt like "What if it was me?" But I rarely allowed myself to actually think about it and just dissociate. It took me 20 years to finally accept myself as trans woman and today I don't know what is worse, before when I didn't know and when I was isolating myself or today when I know but have no ability to transition and be myself because I can not stand up for myself. Every time I try I am on verge to cry. Right now I am also constantly stressing as if I am too old and as if I'll die and never transition, not sure if that is dysphoria or what but it stresses me. I'm 21 I have time. I hope I do. 😭😭